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     The morning sun is peeking over the horizon, painting the sky with streaks of red. All around me the sounds of nature are coming to life. The birds are singing, and squirrels chatter as they dart across my path.

 

     I’m walking down the sidewalk in my suburban neighborhood . The morning stillness has been replaced with the sound of my footsteps. Tears are streaming down my face. This is a new activity for me. Hopefully, I won’t cross paths with any of my neighbors.

 

     The reason I’m crying is complicated. While researching the music of the 1970s to write my blog, I came across a Carpenters song, “Yesterday Once More,” and I’ve been listening to it ever since. It’s difficult to explain, but there’s something about that song that connects me to the memories of my childhood.

 

All my best memories come back clearly to me
Some can even make me cry, just like before
It’s yesterday once more.

Source: LyricFind Songwriters: John Bettis / Richard Lynn Carpenter
Goodbye to Love lyrics Copyright Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

    

     My musical epiphany ignited my curiosity. I needed to know more about the woman behind the voice of my childhood. I began reading Randy Schmidt’s biography of Karen Carpenter, Little Girl Blue.

 

     I realized I really didn’t know much about Karen Carpenter. All I knew was that she sang with her brother and died of anorexia. As I read, I discovered there was so much more to it than that.

 

Schmidt writes:
As she would do for much of her life, Karen took on Richard’s interests. Music became their shared passion, and the two would swing to the music for hours. “I did everything Richard did,” she said in a 1981 interview. “If he listened to music, I listened to music. It was unconscious, but because I idolized him so much….

(page #16)

 

     It makes me feel better to know that what happened to these siblings was subconscious. Born from a place of love. Because underneath it all, it means that they really did love each other. Love didn’t cause their pain, being human did.

 

     It also comforts me to understand that we are all a little bit broken.

 

 

     Before the pandemic, I was a singer. My first gig was in 1987. In the beginning it was all about the outfits. The crazier, the better.

 

     I preferred four-inch heels on my thigh high boots. I stood well over six-feet tall in them. My intent was to intimidate while looking as trim as possible. In my mind, tall equaled thinner. Thinner was better.

 

     My hair was never acceptable . A wig or hat usually covered my head, adding to my already intimidating stature.

     My breasts were always prominently displayed. I’d been told they were one of my best features. Wire and lace were used for maximum appeal.

 

     Why did I dress like that?

 

     Clearly, I understood from a young age that I could manipulate men with my sexuality. In my mind, an Amazon sex goddess could never get hurt. I felt so comfortable in my role as a dominatrix. It actually made sense to shove a strange man’s face into my cleavage. I was in control. It became part of the act. The audience loved it!

 

     I also had an odd habit of picking men up off the ground and spinning them around in the air like a carnival ride. I have a video of me winning my first talent contest where I do just that. Ironically, the man I’m throwing around, (at about the 5:25 mark) ended up being my boss later. Where was all that Amazonian strength when he asked me about the size of my nipples as he paid me one night? All I did was sit there and smile. My bravery was a façade.

 

     

Words matter. The ones you say out loud as well as the ones that go unspoken. Even before a baby begins to comprehend language, they start to understand their place in the scheme of things.

 

     That perspective dictates how they navigate the world for the rest of their lives.

 

     Reading between the lines in Randy L. Schmidt’s portrayal of Karen‘s life, we can see what she really needed. Her family could not.

 

“Have you told her you love her?” the therapist asks the family.
The father starts to respond, but his nervous voice is overpowered by the mother’s. “We don’t do things that way. You show a person, you don’t tell them all the time…..I don’t think you understand our family.”

(page #8)

So I’ve made my mind up
I must live my life alone
And though it’s not the easy way
I guess I’ve always known
I’d say goodbye to love

Source: LyricFind Songwriters: John Bettis / Richard Lynn Carpenter
Goodbye to Love lyrics Copyright Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC

    

     I’ve never been able to forget the feeling I had sitting in my room listening to my family as they happily decorated our Christmas tree without me.

     It was Christmas break 1974. Along with their laughter, I could hear Karen Carpenter singing,  “Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town” on TV.

 

     Usually, when I was banished to my room, I knew I would be ignored for days, sometimes weeks. I expected that. This time, something was different.

 

     Every day, my stepmother had been writing manically in her journal. When our dad came home from work, we would sit down in the living room as she read from it. Sometimes she wrote about me.   

    

Don’t you remember you told me you loved me baby?
You said you’d be coming back this way again baby
Baby, baby, baby, baby, oh baby
I love you, I really do

Source: LyricFind Songwriters: Leon Russell / Bonnie Bramlett / Delaney Bramlett
Superstar lyrics Copyright Reservoir Media Management Inc, Music Sales Corporation

    

     Music is literally in my DNA. I’ve been aware of it for as long as I can remember. It is the language of my emotions. Without it, I know I would not have survived my traumatic childhood.

 

     July 25, 1970 began an unbroken streak of six years of top ten songs for The Carpenters. This unprecedented string of hits paralleled the decline of both my stepmothers mental health and my standing in the family. A false narrative was born from her mania. My father enthusiastically dealt out corporal punishment to support her new illusion.

 

     “Naome is trying to kill the baby.”

 

     I was 8 years old.

 

     By the time Karen realized how serious her eating disorder was it had gotten way out of hand.

 

     What started as a way to control just one small part of her life, snowballed into a disaster. Anorexia ended the life of Karen Carpenter before she had a chance to live it on her own terms. She was just 32 years old.

 

     Certainly, times were different and people knew a lot less about emotional trauma and its effects back then. Karen’s family refused to believe her condition was anything other than a genetic malfunction. They could not fathom that what she needed to get better was unconditional
love. That understanding could have saved Karen‘s life, but it was outside of the Carpenter family dynamic.

 

     Today, I am sober, happy, and surrounded by family and friends that really love me. They know my heart.

 

     The gift of their unconditional love has made my recovery possible.

 

 

     Karen Carpenter loved playing the drums. You can see it on her face when she played. Right now, I’m watching YouTube videos of her. Dressed in green, she runs from one drum set to the next with a child like glee. She never looked happier. I like to think of her that way.

 

     I wish I could tell Karen Carpenter how her music saved my life.
I wonder if she ever thought about the impact she had on the lives of little girls like me.
    
     In my heart, there will always be a kinship between me and Karen.

     Forever : Little Girls Blue.

 

Naome Bradshaw

 

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