I felt a little dirty, staring at the photograph. The room was pitch black even though it was the middle of the day. The only light came from my computer, which created just the right vibe for day drinking and mindless internet surfing while I waited for my husband to come home from work. Was I hiding? Absolutely. I was not supposed to be drinking , having just recently paid all the penalties for my second DUI.
Usually, I could fly under the radar during this time of day, because my 15 year old and youngest daughter was in another room, doing the same thing I was, minus the wine and regrets.
It’s June 2019, but thanks to the magic of internet technology , I’m suddenly transported back to October 1981. Rock Super Bowl XII, Tangerine Bowl, Orlando, Florida, which featured, among others, the Rolling Stones and Van Halen. There she is, 15 year old me. Front row, fist in the air, mouth wide open. To be honest, I didn’t notice myself right away, because I was distracted by David Lee Roth‘s ass! In the photograph, his back is to the camera, he is in mid- leap, shirtless, white pants hugging his then 27 year old butt.
Memories came flooding back. I remembered how I stumbled upon a free ticket to the show, hitchhiking alone from a Journey/ Loverboy concert on the other side of the state the night before.The carload of strangers who picked me up were headed to Orlando, halfway to my destination. Would I like to join them for The Rolling Stones and Van Halen? Um, yes, please!!
We arrived the night before the concert and were some of the first people to set up camp on the sidewalk in front of the entrance of the stadium. The next morning, when the gates opened, we ran as fast as we could directly to the front of the giant purple stage. For the next several hours, over 60,000 of our new friends filed in behind us. I have zero recollection of how I hydrated or went to the bathroom that day, things that are VERY important to me now! Memory flashes reminded me of my tunnel vision that day. Make it to the front, catch David Lee Roth’s attention. Get backstage.
The door to my bedroom opened suddenly, startling me. My youngest daughter stood in the doorway with a disgusted look on her face. “What are you doing in here?” She said angrily. I quickly grabbed my cup of wine to hide it, but the look on my face told her everything she needed to know. “Drinking, AGAIN?!” She grabbed the cup and said,” WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!” as she took the cup out of the room, slamming the door.
“What the hell is wrong with ME?!” Is she fucking kidding?! I began ranting at my picture on the computer screen. My words were really meant for my youngest daughter. “You see THAT girl?!…”
“…She survived being raped at age four, she lived through being neglected, abused and being put in foster care! She was rescued from human trafficking nine months before this fucking concert! You can’t even pick up your damn underwear off the floor!”
“Who are you talking to?” my daughter was back in the room, fists clenched , looking ready for battle. “Nobody,” I said. She continued, “Why can’t you just act like a mother?” Just then, the doorbell rang. I stood up unsteadily. I had forgotten that my friend Harrison was going to be delivering a mattress that afternoon. I vaguely remember thanking him. When I turned around after shutting the door, both of my daughters were staring at me with the same look of disgust on their faces. Ignoring them, I began trying to drag the mattress down the hallway to the bedroom. Through the haze of alcohol, I recall my arms being grabbed. I slapped them away, stubbornly continuing my task. “Mom, you just hit (my sister)!!!” Shouted my middle daughter Jessica. Suddenly, I feel weight on my back as my youngest daughter jumps on me, not for a piggyback ride, but with the intent to take me down. Incredibly, I keep walking with her on my back the entire length of the hallway, finally shaking her off, ditching the mattress, running through my bedroom, out the back door and into the backyard. My youngest daughter followed. As I sat in a chair, she straddled me. I was unable to move. The next thing I know, my husband is home from work early standing in the doorway with a disappointed look on his face. “You fucked up, Naome.”
365 days later, I am sitting in front of my computer, once again staring at that infamous photo. When I look at it now, all I feel is pride. I’m not ashamed anymore. In order for me to heal, and stay sober for the past year, I had to forgive myself for doing the things I had to do back then, in order to survive. I had to agree to willingly revisit those dark places from my childhood, in order to reprocess them with EMDR therapy. Week by week my therapist and I worked to desensitize and reprocess my traumatic childhood memories.. Over the last year I’ve learned a lot about myself, and how trauma affects the brain. Things got worse before they got better. Through it all I was able to remain sober. Despite going no contact with my father, a family member’s hospitalization, and a worldwide pandemic.
As a result, my entire way of viewing the world has changed. Before therapy, I was in pain and acting out. “What’s wrong with you?” was the usual question. Now, I understand, when I see bad behavior,
the question should be, “What happened to you?”
Throughout my adult life, I have been obsessed with tracing my family tree. It was my way of keeping connected to my family after I was put in foster care. Over the years I’ve collected photographs, and have learned the intimate details of the lives of my grandparents, great-grandparents and beyond. As I became more trauma informed, I began to see patterns in the
behavior of my ancestors. Generational trauma continues until it is dealt with. Healing cannot happen until the stories are told. There is healing power in the stories of our ancestors. I am compelled to share mine with you, and I encourage you to do the same.
Naome Bradshaw
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Wow! So well written. I can’t wait to read more! I am so proud of you.
Powerful stuff girl. I’m proud to call you a friend and thank you for having the courage to share this. It’s a topic that hits close to home for me. My sister and I are dealing with our childhood trauma… nothing compared to yours of course…
We didn’t speak for 10 years. I don’t talk to my mother. It’s taken me many years to trace my anger issues and ways I deal with people I love (or should love) to my hellish childhood. Talking to my sister about it has helped me. We’re now closer than we’ve been in 30 years. There are still problems there. …
Writing helps me. I think it will help you. Thanks for this.
We ran away together do you remember.My life has been hell since that day. From a baby up till then I had the best childhood and the best Mom and family.I wish I had never ran away that was just the beginning of a lifetime of trauma,abuse and loneliness and depression.
Peggy, Of course I remember! I am so sorry that you’ve had to suffer. We were so young. I suffered in silence for so long! Now that I have found a way to heal and find happiness, I would love to share it with you! I hope you will keep reading and if you need to talk, I am here !
Craig!!! I love you man! I had no idea. You never know just what someone is dealing with! That is why kindness is so important! To ourselves, first and foremost. Anytime you wanna chat, I am one who will NOT be shocked, or judge! Thanks for your kind words!
❤️❤️❤️
Beautiful lady I have had the pleasure of watching you preform. With this being said my perception when watching you up there is very different than your reality.
You truly never know what someone is going through.
My thoughts, prayers, but most of all my love is with you.
Beautifully written my friend. I look forward to getting to know YOU while reading more.
XOXOXO
Louise! Thank you so much! More to come!
Thank you for allowing others to know that it is ok to not be ok…. and that with time and effort, one can start to push their way through/past their demons.
Thank you for being a beacon to others and shining your light so they too may discover their own new path!
My theory has always been…everyone has things they have done in their past….. some people just never got caught.
With much love and respect!
❤️
Thank you so much, Jenny! I feel lucky to still be here! It’s time to pay it forward!
Thank you for having the courage to put the story of you out there. So many suffer in silence. Growing up the oldest daughter of an alcoholic father, I learned a lot at a young age. Watching him at home versus at his job or in public, the one thing that I learned that stuck with me throughout my life thus far is “Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.”
I’m proud of you for doing this and for sharing your battle. In this day and age, we need each other more than ever before. I can only hope sharing one another’s traumas and opening up about them, brings people closer together as nobody is truly alone.
Can’t wait to read more!
Thank you Jennifer!! My hope is that others will feel empowered to tell their stories too!
Life is a dance, we learn as we go…keep providing the music! Love you!
thank you for everything, Jana! I love you!
I am so very proud of you for being so brave to share this story with everyone. Growth is different for all of us. Thank you for your honesty. Love you, my dear friend.
Thank you! I love you! You are not alone!
My goodness. Who would ever have imagined such inner turmoil hiding behind those sparkling eyes, dazzling smile, angelic voice, and incredible spirit ? Your strength is so beautiful, and your words are so pure. You have a tribe behind you, Naomi, you need not ever worry about having to stand alone !!
Thank you, Boo! That is why I started writing. I had a feeling that there might be others out there like me! Maybe, I can give them courage to tell their own story!
Naome, this is beautifully written, and I am so proud of you for not only overcoming more obstacles than one should have to endure in a lifetime but for putting it out there for others to read and hopefully heal as well. I have had a rough time with drugs in my earlier years, which I was able to overcome on my own, but my alcoholism was a tough road to get over. I do have to say, the best thing I ever did was get a grip on it. I also deal with mental health issues, being bipolar with severe depression, anxiety, and OCD. I have come a long way with those as well. However, they still have a 50/50 grip on me, some ore than others. I’ve been to way too many therapists, psychologists, and psychiatrists over the years, and the hardest part was finding the ones you connect with. I have to say THAT is the key to healing as well as the WANT in your mind. May peace and happiness stay with you and don’t ever feel alone, speak, share, and talk is usually the best help to get through a trauma. Love to you – D
Thank you, Donna! It’s a lifetime of self care for us! That is ok with me now! I hope to normalize these issues , so people can feel free to share.
Love that you’re doing this. I’ve wanted to explain, in further detail, my mental health issues but not there. It seems not too many people want to here about suicidal thoughts, and that leaves one feeling very alone. I am lucky I found a few that helped me through some very dark years. But, for some time, I was alone. . No one wanted to hear it because they were scared of the topic. Others thought I could just “will” it away. It was all in my head, and if I wanted to be better, I just needed to think it and it would happen. It’s not as easy as they think. My brain is different than yours or others. There are so many things that go into a person. We are not al made the same. Anyway, I’m so happy for you, my cousin Jack, and your family. The road to healing and growing is never ending. Keep blossoming, and continue to use that beautiful voice you have for singing, and helping others too. Love you 💜
I am glad we can feel free to to talk about it now! Let’s keep healing together!
This is of epic proportions and although I wish it could have come sooner, I’m ecstatic that you have so many years ahead of you to “get” pain free. I look forward to your updates and remind you once again…. I am always here if you need a unbiased ear. God Bless you today and all your days ahead.
Thank you, Richie! I am so glad to be out of the shallows! It’s time to get deep!
I’ve been trying to find an EMDR therapist that takes my insurance for over a year. I’ve put myself in debt before attempting to get the right kind-of treatment. Our mental healthcare system is in such a huge need of an overhaul. Happy you have found peace.
I know!! It is tough to find someone qualified and on our insurance! I had to switch this year and have not found the right fit yet! I know someone in Maitland , Florida I can recommend, that took my old insurance!
Grew up on welfare. Alcoholic father, pedophile stepfather, abandoned, beaten. I am still standing.
Dannielle! I am so happy you are still standing! We are warriors!
I am so glad you decided to write,I will be reading for sure.
EMDR Is so fabulous
I think I need more therapy and you my friend have inspired me…
Hugs, Self love,
Keep on Rocking 😀
Regina! Thank you! I am so glad to inspire! Hugs!
I heard you on the radio and gave me goosebumps Although there wasnt physical abuse alot of verbal abuse and when my parents divorced found out my dad did not think of me as his real child cause I was adopted Being a daddy’s girl I was15 and went off the deep end 40 years later still hurts not knowing g anything about my family You are an inspiration and will continue to read!
Hello Robbi! I am so sorry you had to go though that! I hope you keep reading!
I admire you greatly for putting yourself out there to help others – but mostly I admire you for doing the hard work and working to heal. Keep going!!
I am so encouraged by all the people that have reached out to support me, and to tell me their stories. In the future, we are adding a section,
“Tell Me You Story”. You’ll be able to read guest blogs of other personal stories that inspire.